Another week, another list of the funniest Tweets I had time to find. Enjoy them and/or enjoy bitching about how you didn’t enjoy them in the comments!
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You're shallow and selfish. I'm leaving you and taking the kids.
— The Pan-Midwesterner (@panmidwest) August 22, 2016
using microsoft word
*moves an image 1 mm to the left*
all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.
— Lourdes (@gossipgriII) March 25, 2016
Surely there an easier way to take your shoes off. pic.twitter.com/PlpocUCpMC
— Darwin Award 🔞 (@AwardsDarwin) March 24, 2017
When you lie on your resume but still get the job pic.twitter.com/SN1anE29vG
— Yael (@elle91) March 28, 2017
It's not a dive bar unless you can smell the urinal cake from outside.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) March 31, 2017
Date: what do you do?
Me: I wear multiple fitbits walk around all day then sell them to people in the suburbs so they can win office pools
— Randy Smith (@RandySmithWhat) March 30, 2017
This dog bed leaks and now there's dog all over the floor. pic.twitter.com/xGdEOFAPEY
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) March 30, 2017
I deeply relate to avocados because I too have a very narrow window in a 3-day span where I look good and then suddenly turn to gross mush.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 26, 2017
Dick pics are for amateurs. Real men get out there and disappoint women in real life too.
— stabbatha christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) April 7, 2016
Hahahaha oh man that shit was <spends 7 minutes looking for flame emoji>
— josh groban (@joshgroban) March 20, 2017
BOSS: tell me about susanne
ME: *takes a drag of cigarette* ah, the one that got away
BOSS: you're a zoo keeper none of them should get away
— tomsauced (@trojansauce) March 22, 2017
The only thing keeping me from my successful ninja career is my unfortunate tendency to yell out each ninja move before I do it.
— She'sARealGenius (@ShesARealGenius) March 22, 2017
I always walk around with a scowl on my face so people think I'm tough, but really I'm just mad that my carnations aren't blooming properly.
— Comedic Bust (@ComedicBust) March 28, 2017
It's not perfect, but they make it work. pic.twitter.com/Q7eANaGdPv
— Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) March 28, 2017
Everyday we stray farther from God's light pic.twitter.com/eIzlQgMMiz
— Javi Moreno (@Javi386) March 30, 2017
When you're just hangin' with your government-selected boys and laughing about how if they don't laugh, you'll make them disappear: pic.twitter.com/3LYoYNaEGl
— theCHIVE (@theCHIVE) March 29, 2017
If you told me abandoned JCPenneys were the remnants of some failed military dictatorship I'd believe you pic.twitter.com/GnusQYNI1j
— David Huber (@davidhuber_) March 23, 2017